Uncertainty


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But what now? What am I supposed to do with all these feelings?

~Jenny Han

Dear Reader,

The fifth time I began this letter and deleted my writing, I recognized that uncertainty is the story. In the face of this collective experience, I am continually revising my most appropriate next action and reconsidering the words to say and write. The constant state of processing what I have no context for prevents me from reaching a place of cognition and determining where to begin. I don’t think I am alone in this.

When I lose traction, my habitual response is to push pause and do something with my hands that requires a different part of my brain. I most often find myself in the kitchen or garden. The garden has briefly lost its appeal with chilling-to-the-bone temperatures this week and increasing emotional fragility. The morning I bade it farewell, October 7th, I worked barefoot, warmed by the sun, picking beans for drying and collecting the final summer squash and tomatoes. What a difference a few October weeks can make.

And so it is in the kitchen for now, testing myself with a new recipe from the Queen of Gluten-Free Baking, Aran Goyoaga, and this delicious sauce that I fell in love with during my Romanian travels.

Like bread baking, the sauce has deep roots. Zacusa is the very taste of summer, and when preserved, it can be shared in those dark days of winter as a reminder of the bright light ahead.

So, here I am again soothing myself in the kitchen. Wasn’t that the theme last week as well? Am I escaping or unpacking what is simmering inside? I’d like to believe it's the latter, but in truth, it is where I flee to give myself the space needed to examine all that is arising. I’m curious about how this shaped me at such a young age. Not all school children manage their family kitchen, and although I was drawn by instinct for survival, the lessons learned have served me well for sixty years. It makes me want to learn more about these early coping skills and their influences late in life. Can they all be seen so clearly as my Cancer rising in one’s astrological chart? What would replace that tendency to find solace in the kitchen and prepare food for others if I were a Taurus rising? Or Leo?

I wasn’t planning to write about food or cooking, but here I am discussing the very theme that’s up for everyone in the US: the politics of food. Having access to food gives individuals power physically, mentally, and emotionally. Removing one’s access to food is the quickest way to demoralize an individual and a population. It's a technique that has been used since feudal times.

With Irish ancestors, I know the fear of starvation is in my DNA, and many of you also carry a similar ancestral wound. How do we heal it? Through action. Please join me in selecting one way today that will allow you to make a difference directly where you live. There is no one right fix, and what you choose to do will be far from perfect, but please take a risk. This is not the time for perfection; the small efforts I have seen across my community have moved me to tears—just regular people answering this collective call to action. We can not look to those who have created the crisis for the answer. The right thing to do is already in your heart. Please don’t hesitate.

Until next week

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Field Notes from Lauren

I began expressing my big Cancer emotions through writing at a very young age. For me, the unique act of writing is what allows me to process and evolve fully . Today, my weekly missives follow themes that weave between the literal fields of my work in the Gemmo Forest, our family homestead garden, and the energy field we all experience. My life now follows the rhythm of the land. From spring through fall, I can be found outdoors, hands in the dirt, working alongside her husband, Joachim, to tend our 7,500-square-foot family garden or with local volunteers caring for Gemmo Forest. When the cold sets in and the fields rest, I return indoors, where I rekindle my love of writing by the wood stove, always with my faithful calico, Ruby, curled close by.

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